2 years

How Long Will I Love You https://g.co/kgs/uFsyci

Another song another reminder. My beautiful girl.

I never stop hurting. I never stop thinking of you.

Its almost 2 years since you decided I couldn’t be in your life, I love you more than ever. Xxx

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Complexities of a family..

My parents celebrate their golden wedding anniversary next week. A smart lunch at a country house.

Today’s question, “Will she or won’t she attend?” I know that the answer has been no for several weeks. However her mind can be changed, subject to the condition that her father also attends.

This evening my parents are going to discuss what may change her mind with her and her brother. They have been forewarned that this is an option and this option has thrown my mother into a spin. On the one hand she doesn’t want my ex present but, she is desperate for my daughter to attend.

I know the reason my daughter won’t attend is as a result of the relationship she has with my ex. Although she obviously believes it is because she hates me and wants nothing to do with me. My son feels that there is no reason why my ex shouldn’t attend as he is their father!! He told me this whilst chatting with me and was kind when I tried to explain it was not my choice but my parents’.

I have swallowed my own feelings and offered my parents carte blanche to do what they feel is most appropriate. I have said it makes no difference to me. I will wait and see but can’t help feeling that the power he held over me during our 24 year relationship still exists.

Jamie Lawson’s whole album says so much , this one particularly.

 

 

She becomes an adult…

My daughter is 18 years old this week. It is 18 months since she decided to shut me out of her life completely.

During that time my son has returned, he has seen through the fog created in their home and has navigated a way between the rock and the hard place. He fills me with joy with every conversation text or call. He challenges my thoughts, which gives an insight into how fragile his lack of alignment is.

I am “not allowed” to send a birthday card due to the instructions and threats I have received in relation to the suggestion.

“You are the reason her mental health is like this, don’t make it worse.”

“If you send it you will risk her chances of speaking to you further.”

“If you send that card after what Dad has explained then you are not listening to me.”

My current thinking is that I will give the card to her brother and he can decide when she receives it. Because she then can’t say I didn’t bother. i continue to step on eggshells around the pair of them for fear of making the situation worse. But, how can it be worse? My own daughter wants nothing to do with me as a result of the bitterness and insecurities of the man I married.

Happy birthday my darling girl, know that I will always be here for you, waiting. There is nothing to forgive, just love to receive. Please have the strength to leave home and learn that you are not responsible for how your father feels.

I love you ❤ ❤ Mum x

 

 

 

 

Rumer – take me as I am….

“Take Me As I Am”

Is there a place where all that I’ve lost
Will be returned to me?
And is there a day the souls that I pray to
Are coming back for me?Don’t tell me it’s all right
It’ll never be all right
Why don’t you come, why don’t you come back?
I need a love that’s unconditional
Why don’t you try to understand?
Why don’t you come, why don’t you come back?
If this love is unconditional, why don’t you take me as I am?
Just take me as I am

The love that I seek, is it hidden beneath
A wound that won’t bleed?
Look, is there something you want?
Is there something you need from me?
‘Cause I tell you now, these hands are empty
And it aches in my bones to be here on my own without it
Watching the love that I’m craving
Getting further away from all that I wanted

So don’t tell me it’s all right now
It’ll never be all right
Why don’t you come, why don’t you come back?
I need a love that’s unconditional
Why don’t you try to understand?
Why don’t you come, why don’t you come back?
If this love is unconditional, why don’t you take me as I am?
Just take me as I am

If you look in my eyes, you’ll see
Sorrow rising and falling
Oh, ’cause the love that I’m craving’s getting
Further away from all that I wanted

Mothering Sunday is painful

Yesterday was my fourth Mothering Sunday as a separated parent.

The first, just two months in, was sort of OK, I saw both of my children.

The second was strained but both of them saw me; my daughter refused to speak to me all day and practically threw the most beautiful canvas (she had painted for me) at me. It said “sometimes I don’t show it and sometimes I do but inside I will always love you”. She lived with me at the time, her older brother now 18 has not lived with me since day one of being apart. (I only realised the alienation had started before we were separate after reading Karen’s blog about the alienated parent (https://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2014/11/01/i-am-the-alienated-parent/ ).

Last year I didn’t get a card but I think I received a message from one of them – I chose not to sit in and wait “just in case” and was accused of not bothering.

Yesterday I waited all day, I saw my mum, my daughter saw my mum (thank goodness). My ex went to Spain for the weekend with friends leaving my 16yr old to fend for herself. “She has food and contacts, she will be fine…” I heard nothing from either of them, all day, not a card, a text, a smiley face, a call, a knock. I smiled at the joy of all the other mums (Why did I even look at facebook?) I knew it would be like that, but I don’t feel envy for those mums but sadness for my two babies, unable to bring themselves to make contact. They must have suffered all day…

I did miss one call, as I was out briefly when I knew my daughter was at my mum’s, it was a card from the family of a good friend who died several years ago. I have worked really hard to provide her three children with support and to facilitate their grief. The card came signed with love from “your other family” my friend’s parents, siblings and children. It was beautiful, but you will hopefully understand when I say, “not enough to make be feel better”.

Today I have attended a long meeting with my divorce solicitor, who was interested and worried by my children’s response to this family separation. I printed the three descriptive blogs of parent, child (https://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2014/10/18/i-am-an-alienated-child/ ) and alienator (https://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2014/10/25/i-am-the-alienator/ ). Perhaps my barrister can use it in court?

The sheer emotion and anxiety of the last 24 hours has left me drained, sleepless, nauseated, with heavy palpitations and excessive tears. I’ve even lost my appetite – a first!!

Hopefully next year it will be different, or the next…