2 years

How Long Will I Love You https://g.co/kgs/uFsyci

Another song another reminder. My beautiful girl.

I never stop hurting. I never stop thinking of you.

Its almost 2 years since you decided I couldn’t be in your life, I love you more than ever. Xxx

Complexities of a family..

My parents celebrate their golden wedding anniversary next week. A smart lunch at a country house.

Today’s question, “Will she or won’t she attend?” I know that the answer has been no for several weeks. However her mind can be changed, subject to the condition that her father also attends.

This evening my parents are going to discuss what may change her mind with her and her brother. They have been forewarned that this is an option and this option has thrown my mother into a spin. On the one hand she doesn’t want my ex present but, she is desperate for my daughter to attend.

I know the reason my daughter won’t attend is as a result of the relationship she has with my ex. Although she obviously believes it is because she hates me and wants nothing to do with me. My son feels that there is no reason why my ex shouldn’t attend as he is their father!! He told me this whilst chatting with me and was kind when I tried to explain it was not my choice but my parents’.

I have swallowed my own feelings and offered my parents carte blanche to do what they feel is most appropriate. I have said it makes no difference to me. I will wait and see but can’t help feeling that the power he held over me during our 24 year relationship still exists.

Jamie Lawson’s whole album says so much , this one particularly.



She becomes an adult…

My daughter is 18 years old this week. It is 18 months since she decided to shut me out of her life completely.

During that time my son has returned, he has seen through the fog created in their home and has navigated a way between the rock and the hard place. He fills me with joy with every conversation text or call. He challenges my thoughts, which gives an insight into how fragile his lack of alignment is.

I am “not allowed” to send a birthday card due to the instructions and threats I have received in relation to the suggestion.

“You are the reason her mental health is like this, don’t make it worse.”

“If you send it you will risk her chances of speaking to you further.”

“If you send that card after what Dad has explained then you are not listening to me.”

My current thinking is that I will give the card to her brother and he can decide when she receives it. Because she then can’t say I didn’t bother. i continue to step on eggshells around the pair of them for fear of making the situation worse. But, how can it be worse? My own daughter wants nothing to do with me as a result of the bitterness and insecurities of the man I married.

Happy birthday my darling girl, know that I will always be here for you, waiting. There is nothing to forgive, just love to receive. Please have the strength to leave home and learn that you are not responsible for how your father feels.

I love you ❤ ❤ Mum x






I don’t hold out much hope of getting to see any of her drama at all. My son left semi-angry with me yesterday.

I haven’t chosen this level of animosity between our family. I would do almost anything to make it better.

I am about to receive a therapy called EMDR. I hope it will help me with the level of emotion I’m running. Its quite sad to think that a divorce could cause this trauma….

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

EMDR is a rapid and effective way of treating trauma.  The reason it is so effective is because it is based on a natural healing ability whereby the mind heals itself during sleep, most notably during rapid eye movement.  Francine Shapiro developed EMDR in 1987 using this natural process in order to successfully treat Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Since then, it has been used as an effective treatment for a wide range of mental health problems.

When an individual is traumatised by an overwhelming event (e.g. an assault) or by repeatedly being subjected to distress (e.g. domestic violence), the natural coping mechanism becomes overloaded.  This can result in disturbing experiences remaining frozen in the brain or being “unprocessed”.

These unprocessed memories and feelings are stored in the limbic system of your brain in a “raw” and emotional form, rather than in a verbal “story” mode.  The limbic system maintains traumatic memories in an isolated memory network that is associated with emotions and physical sensations, which are disconnected from the brain’s cortex where language can be used to store memories.

The limbic system’s traumatic memories can be continually triggered when the individual then experiences situations that are similar to the original event.  Often the memory itself is long forgotten, but the painful feelings such as anxiety, panic, despair, or anger are continually triggered in the present.  The individual’s ability to live in the present and learn from new experiences can therefore become inhibited.  EMDR works by restoring the connections between the brain’s memory networks, enabling the brain to process the traumatic memory in a very natural way.

The EMDR technique helps to change the memory in such a way that it loses its painful intensity and becomes a neutral memory of an event in the past.  And, like a domino effect, other associated memories may also heal at the same time.  This linking of related memories can lead to dramatic improvements in many aspects of your life.  People experience EMDR as being a very empowering therapy because the new connections and insights are felt to arise quite naturally from within.

The validity and reliability of EMDR has been established by rigorous research.  There are now nineteen controlled studies into EMDR making it the most thoroughly researched method used in the treatment of trauma, and it is recommended by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) as an effective treatment for PTSD.

Good luck

written on sunday in my head………

I’d love to come and see your drama production this afternoon. I understand that it is your AS practical exam. I know you will have been working on it for weeks.

I hope all goes well. I have asked your brother, via text, if he is intending to watch and he has said he and dad are. I have asked him to video it if he has any opportunity. He has said he will try.

Easter 2015

I’ve just seen my 18yr old son for 10 minutes. This is the first time since February. He visited my home (less than 50m from his) to collect an easter egg for himself and his sister, at my request. He was delighted to see the dog, who he hasn’t seen since January. Her delight in seeing him was clear. She didn’t stop wagging her tail or sneezing (a sign she is smiling as she sneezes every time she smiles) the whole time he was here.

He said he couldn’t stay, he said he had been asked to refuse anything I wanted to send for his sister, I asked him to have it himself or give it to his father.

He also said, as I gripped him hard in tears, that he loves me, “and so does my sister even though she can’t show it at the moment”. He then added that if she didn’t get in such a state every time I was discussed he would choose to see me more.

Each step towards them is so small, each bank holiday is SO PAINFUL. On Sunday my two children are joining my parents, brother, cousin and their families to celebrate time together over Easter. I can’t be there, because they won’t go if I do and I want them to see as much of my family as they possibly can. This is the only way there is a chance that the alienation will be broken through.

I have plans that I would change at a moment’s notice if I thought it could help. I won’t need to.

Previous easters we have had mass Easter egg hunts, we’ve visited farms for baby animal experiences, we’ve had so much chocolate it wasn’t eaten until almost christmas. Family walks, big lunches, joy and laughter. The memories are there but I want the real thing……

Bob Dylan/Adele – someone like you

“Make You Feel My Love”

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I’ve known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,
And I’d go crawling down the avenue.
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love